first things first

my name is _____ and i’m an addict.  

my sobreity date is 6/25/2013 and my drug of choice is more.  more dope, more booze, more of whatever you’re holding, and then some more.  they have a name for that kind of user in the rooms of AA and NA:  it’s garbagehead…. and it’s not a term of endearment.  i’ve used alcohol, heroin, cocaine, and a great deal more to try to fill a hole inside myself that’s been there forever.  addiction is a disease of the mind and ‘they’ say drugs and alcohol are but merely symptoms of a larger problem. 

but today i choose not to drink or use drugs.  tomorrow isn’t promised, but if i can get through today clean & sober i have a shot at life.

it’s ironic:  i started drinking and using cuz i wanted to be famous – and now i’m anonymous.  the rock stars i idolized as a youth drank and got high; they wrote songs about it, made movies about it, and i wanted in on it.  Morrison, Hendrix, Joplin… all dead at the age of 27.  in my generation Kurt Cobain joined the 27 Club and heroin took out Bradley Nowell, Layne Staley, River Phoenix, Shannon Hoon, and countless other people whom i looked up to, but i didn’t heed that as a warning – i jumped in head-first.  i started at age 15 and didn’t stop til my first rehab at 32.  i thought that i had lost everything, but it wasn’t long before i tried heroin.  at first it was like i had finally found that one thing that had been missing my entire life.  i spent years trying to fill my soul with more. 

my life became an obsession to find and get and use more dope.  my life was no longer measured in days, but by bags and needles.  living one hit at a time, i couldn’t eat, sleep, work, or breathe without being high anymore.  i was powerless over drugs and i just couldn’t do anything anymore.  i could not imagine my life continuing with or without heroin, but i couldn’t stop.  eventually homeless and brought to my knees yet again, i put myself back into rehab. 

i’m now enrolled in a long-term treatment program, living in a beautiful town on the beach, working a regular job, and i’m writing this blog to share my experiences in active addiction and in recovery with those of you who care to read and as a form of self-therapy.  hopefully somebody out there suffering from addiction stumbles onto it and gets the help that they need too.  if it reaches even one person i’ll be happy.  recovery works if you work it.  there is no cure for addiction, but we do recover – and we don’t have to feel like that ever again.

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