one month into my stay at the house and 60 days into recovery. i’m working; waiting tables again for the first time in a long time. i work at a brunch restaurant that doesn’t serve booze, which is important for me. i don’t want to work nights so that i can make groups at the house and outside meetings, and i’m glad that they don’t serve liquor because i used to drink and use while i was working in restaurants before getting clean. the bartenders would make me drinks or i’d bring my own in and i’d have drugs delivered to the restaurant when we were busy. this is a good place to be – and work has been going really well so far; except for one day that went particularly bad. when i told my counselor about it he said that he was happy that i had a bad day. this took me aback at first…. but thinking about it later, i understand now why he felt that way. on one hand, he’s told me that my “up days”, or good moods, are so UP that he’s interested to see how i act when i’m having a “down day”; and on the other hand, it’s a part of life to have good days and bad days and he wants to know how i’ll cope when i’m having a plain old shitty day (for the record, i was able to leave the bad day at work where i found it, and went on to enjoy the rest of my day).
another interesting thing that happened this week was a trip to the chocolate shop in the area where i work. i got off of work one day and passed the store as normal, but then i turned around and went inside. i’ve been eating A LOT of chocolate lately, like a lot of other heroin users do (so i’m told), as a kind of substitute…. a way to make myself feel better for a brief moment (did i say i’ve been eating it A LOT????). i’ve realized that it was a substitute for a while now and i’ve been meaning to quit both the chocolate and smoking soon – but i’ve been waiting for some kind of catalyst to land in my lap first. i’ve gotta just pick a date and move forward. at any rate, back to topic: i went into the store and looked around a bit, my eyes landing on the shelf full of truffles. i noticed the many different types, some of them alcohol flavored. i asked the girl behind the counter if the ones with alcohol flavors had any real liquor in them or if they were just flavored that way, and she said that there wasn’t any alcohol in them… so amongst the other innocent flavors i purchased, i bought an amaretto flavored one also. even with my discount for working in the same shopping area, the bill was way more than i expected, and this is the point that i brought up with my counselor that evening. however, he was MUCH more upset about the fact that i had bought the alcohol flavored one, and called the incident “amaretto flavored chocolate balls and the road to relapse” and had me write an essay on the fact. i’m still having some trouble trying to determine exactly what his rationale for the issue here is, as i’ve seen amaretto and irish cream coffee creamers in stores and gas stations forever, and there’s no booze in there either. apparently i’m “oblivious” to the problem here, as he so happily pointed out to me during our session….. but i’ve thought about it for a long time, and i’m pretty sure that if i started drinking non-alcoholic beer for some reason that i would know damn well that i’m substituting or taking a placebo, eventually get frustrated, and then go for the real thing. if that’s not what he means then i sure hope he’ll enlighten me the next time we sit down.
today i was off work, so i ran around running some errands that needed to be tended to. on my way home i drove by a church that i’d been to a meeting at before. i looked at the clock on my radio and realized that the meeting was in progress, so i turned around and went in. it was halfway over, but i’m glad that i at least caught what i needed to hear while i was there. the meeting was about ‘money matters’, both donating to NA and AA, as well as responsibily handling your own finances. i have been spending money like a maniac – like an addict, even. again addict thinking pops its head up in my daily activities. i leave work with a pocket full of money but i can’t keep it there… one of the 2 big reasons why i want to quit smoking, btw. i spend money on stupid shit that i don’t need, like chocolate, smokes, energy drinks and ice cream every damn day instead of budgeting and putting it away. i need to learn how to budget and make smarter decisions with my money (and EVERY aspect of my life, obvs) before i piss it all away. i’m almost on top of my rent here at the house, and should be able to catch up and bank some after this holiday weekend – as long as i’m actually able to work. my section has always been outside since i started there, so if it rains i don’t work. so then, fingers are crossed that the weather is favorable and that the bennies are generous.